The Do-s and Don't-s

Susan

Ok kids, now listen up, cause this is the biggie. I'm talking fuckin huge. If you follow no other rule, please let this be the one little bit of classroom sanity we're allowed. DO NOT EAT IN CLASS. Now, I realize some of you have low blood sugar or some such vague medical reason, and god forbid that some of you won't be able to eat for a whole three hour period: just 'cause you're special I'll edit the rule.

Do not under any - and I mean any - circumstance eat noisy or stanky-ass food. There is no reason that those of you who absolutely have to eat during a goddamed lecture can't bring something along the lines of those chewy granola bars (and no, not the crunchy kind). I know an apple a day keeps the doctor away - but eat that shit before you get in the class. Not only do we all have to deal with the fuckin crunch when you bite into it, but it doesn't get much quieter once it gets into your sticky little mouth - there's a lot of smacking around involved in apples. So then, not only do i want to hit you, plenty hard, upside the head from the loud noise from the initial crunch, but then you make me wanna puke with all the chewing and smacking that goes on.

Which brings me to my next point - Don't bring any food that smells of anything at all. Here i'm not just looking out for those around you, but you may infact end up with my vomit on you. I honestly believe that any food smell in a lecture hall is going to make those around you fuckin nauseous. There is absolutely no reason you have to eat your onion bagel in class - not to mention your soup (just about anything warm has a smell), your tuna fish sandwich, your salmon (honestly, its been done), or your goddamned peanut butter (and I mean, jesuschrist people, isn't this the most common serious allergy around??). And just because they're selling simosas outside the class, doesn't mean you have to bring them in. Some of you are reading this think "shit, that's nasty. I'd never bring tuna to class..." Well to that i say: your fuckin BLT's almost as bad!!
So please boys and girls, show a little compassion for those around you.