If You Believe
Subject X - 1.15.2005
Some people are better the second time around.
If one were to speak to the majority of the girls that I knew in high school about me, it wouldn't be farfetched to assume that the most common adjective heard would simply be: asshole. This fact is not one that I'm proud of but I'd like to believe that I've grown enough since then to admit my mistakes. While I never meant to hurt any of the women in the past, my selfish fleeting-interest personality managed to do just that time and time again.
Over the last few years, as my own heart-experiences taught me the pain of the game, I made it a goal of mine to make amends with many of the people that I'd wronged. This was not only difficult because it forced me to speak about my feelings as well as swallow my pride – two things that I was never very good at doing – but also because, in the majority of the cases, I was trying to make amends with exes who I hadn't had a meaningful conversation with in a number years.
To my surprise, as I marched through this journey of atonement an incredible realization came upon me. While getting to know the same women who had once hoped I would allow them to get to know me, I found that I was staring at some of the most remarkably astonishing women I had ever met. Whether they had always been as amazing as they now were or not is, unfortunately, not something I will ever have the pleasure of knowing; but as I sat there, getting reacquainted with the pieces of my past, I had a scary feeling that maybe my search for ‘the one' had began much too late.
As I lay awake after one of these experiences thinking it all through, I began wondering to myself; in our lifetimes, just how many incredible people do we miss out on because of our issues and stupidities? And is it possible, once we realize the errors of our ways, to bring those people back into our lives and have them care about us in the same way they were once willing to? Unfortunately, questions such as these rarely have immediate answers. In the meantime, all we can do is throw away our pride and try to prove to the people we care about that we may just be worthy of having them care about us too.
While the women of my past owe me absolutely nothing, I can only hope that, at least a few of them, were sitting across from me as I babbled away and thought to themselves ‘you know, maybe some people really are better the second time around.'
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