White Night - A Practice In Stream Of Consciousness
Subject X - October 11/2006
I need a moment of greatness. I’m not sure where it’s supposed to come from...but I know I need it. Sometimes I feel like I’m standing still waiting for it to come to me. Why can’t I get up the motivation to try and reach the one single thing that I want from life? Why do I sit indoors and smoke pot? Why do I watch endless hours of tv? Dave Grohl just came on my ipod. ‘A little bit of resolve is what I need now. Pin me down and show me how.’ That’s funny. I know just how he feels. But he’s Dave Grohl. Even now my inspiration for this is fading, my interest is waning. I like to start things. Every one of those things is grounded in the notion of greatness. Why does it disappear so quickly? When am I going to grow up? What if I never do? I need to grow up. And soon.
School has lost meaning. I sit in class and listen to them discuss issues I couldn’t care less about. Why do you keep asking questions? If he hasn’t told us, it can’t be on the exam. Stop making my life more difficult please. I actually think like this. Amazing heh? I write heh instead of eh because I don’t want to be too Canadian. What a bubble. How can I not appreciate this? The news is frightening. So much insanity surrounding us. So many people wanting this. So many people…
I want this. I really do. I’m content. I’m thankful. I just want to do more with this and I don’t know how. That’s a lie. I know how. I know…
Jack White says he’s tired of ripping himself off. I know that feeling too. Step up to bat son, it’s time to become a man. My dad doesn’t speak like that. But he would in the movie version of my life. I wish someone had filmed my life. Not that it would be interesting for anyone but me and possibly my future wife. But it would be interesting for me and possibly my future wife.
My English professor says history isn’t really there. We create our own history. We write the story of our past lives. How many of us are going to be remembered 100 years after our deaths? 50? 25? Existentialism is fun. And also tough to spell at this point.
Are there a lot of people who are excited about having life-long careers? Apart from Johnny Depp and Mick Jagger? You’re actually looking forward to working in a lab or building bridges? Really? Is it strange that that’s strange to me? That sentence is strange.
I got distracted for 20 minutes looking for a Bon Jovi song.
Always.
I think that means I’m done.
Yeah, I’m done.
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